You're not going to want to read this if you hate whining. I would suggest skipping it. I have had a lot of warm showers and sleep in the past few days. Been making the most of it all. And it's given me time to think.
Why was I so angry that Kelevra was back? And Morningstar? I realise now, I had practically the same reaction finding out both were back. Denial. Anger. Breakdowns. And it never occurred to me to think of both of them at the same time, and what it means.
Why was I in the dark? Because Kelevra and Morningstar. Why was I let out of the dark? Because Kelevra and Morningstar. Why was I in the dark for that exact amount of time that I was? Because Kelevra and Morningstar. Kelevra even said so himself, he chose the moment I would be let out of the dark. Everything I went through, he wanted that to happen. Just as much as Morningstar.
As much as I want to believe it's all on Morningstar, that's just not true. It's on Kelevra too. And it's on everyone else who had the knowledge and power to stop it, but not the will. It's like they were baking a fucking cake. Stick it in searing heat just enough, slowly, but not too much. I was saved because I was a project. I wasn't saved because I was loyal, or friendly, or anything like that. I was a project. An interesting experiment.
But even though I'm singling them out today, for obvious reasons, they're hardly alone there. I had so many people telling me what to do. What code of ethics to adopt. I was a project for everyone. Those two were just a little more obvious about it.
And only now at 21, when I'm not reeling from hours of physical torture and hunger, do I realise what this all actually means, you know? Stupid, right? I'm sure you were a fucking genius at 16, too. Every nice thing anyone ever actually did for me back then was a means to an end. Except Incognito, maybe. Who knows. Maybe he wanted me to carry on his crusade. Doesn't matter. He left, like everyone else.
It's weird that I never said "fuck you" to Kelevra for letting me be tortured. It's REALLY fucking weird. That is exactly the kind of thing that warrants a "fuck you". And maybe I can't shift my ass until I say it. So...
Fuck you, Kelevra.
No, really, fuck you. I know you were upfront from the start. I know I should have been smarter. I should have listened to what you were really saying. Should have understood it, instead of blindly taking pride in being an exception to the many people you just kill. There's a million mistakes I made. I know that. But it feels good to say it now, because what you did just pisses me off. Fuck you.
At the same time, you made me realise a lot of shit. You were as clear as possible, clearer than anyone else. Made me realise I can't trust anyone but myself. Not you, not Kalika, not anyone. Everyone has an ulterior motive and abandons you eventually. So I have to get by on my own. There's strength in realising that. And that's why you're my friend.
Did you all know Incognito never really gave me a particularly tough time about my friendship with Kelevra? I mean he gave the perfunctory lectures about Kelevra, but he never ever refused to train me, or prevented me from talking to him. And now I wonder if he knew that on some level, Kelevra would boot me into reality. On why you should never trust. Again, who knows. Maybe he was just happy for me to keep Kelevra talking and busy.
Thank you, Kelevra.
And fuck you.
Into current events now. This all made me realise something else. When I borrowed that money, I don't think I ever had the intention of paying it back. I don't remember how much I even needed it in the first place. Maybe I just wanted to screw someone over. Maybe I was looking for a fight. Some catharsis that would be justified because they technically attacked first.
Anyway, after my little encounter with the three fucksticks, I decided to start on some recon. I knew Goodwill's entourage had found where I was, and I knew they'd be back to search it. If I were trying to find me, that's what I'd do. So I've been keeping watch on it for a while. I'll tell you how that went later on, since it got pretty weird, and even I'm sick my own whining for now.
Doing more training. No bad can come of being stronger. Open season on Goodwill. Open season on everyone. Enjoy.
Why was I so angry that Kelevra was back? And Morningstar? I realise now, I had practically the same reaction finding out both were back. Denial. Anger. Breakdowns. And it never occurred to me to think of both of them at the same time, and what it means.
Why was I in the dark? Because Kelevra and Morningstar. Why was I let out of the dark? Because Kelevra and Morningstar. Why was I in the dark for that exact amount of time that I was? Because Kelevra and Morningstar. Kelevra even said so himself, he chose the moment I would be let out of the dark. Everything I went through, he wanted that to happen. Just as much as Morningstar.
As much as I want to believe it's all on Morningstar, that's just not true. It's on Kelevra too. And it's on everyone else who had the knowledge and power to stop it, but not the will. It's like they were baking a fucking cake. Stick it in searing heat just enough, slowly, but not too much. I was saved because I was a project. I wasn't saved because I was loyal, or friendly, or anything like that. I was a project. An interesting experiment.
But even though I'm singling them out today, for obvious reasons, they're hardly alone there. I had so many people telling me what to do. What code of ethics to adopt. I was a project for everyone. Those two were just a little more obvious about it.
And only now at 21, when I'm not reeling from hours of physical torture and hunger, do I realise what this all actually means, you know? Stupid, right? I'm sure you were a fucking genius at 16, too. Every nice thing anyone ever actually did for me back then was a means to an end. Except Incognito, maybe. Who knows. Maybe he wanted me to carry on his crusade. Doesn't matter. He left, like everyone else.
It's weird that I never said "fuck you" to Kelevra for letting me be tortured. It's REALLY fucking weird. That is exactly the kind of thing that warrants a "fuck you". And maybe I can't shift my ass until I say it. So...
Fuck you, Kelevra.
No, really, fuck you. I know you were upfront from the start. I know I should have been smarter. I should have listened to what you were really saying. Should have understood it, instead of blindly taking pride in being an exception to the many people you just kill. There's a million mistakes I made. I know that. But it feels good to say it now, because what you did just pisses me off. Fuck you.
At the same time, you made me realise a lot of shit. You were as clear as possible, clearer than anyone else. Made me realise I can't trust anyone but myself. Not you, not Kalika, not anyone. Everyone has an ulterior motive and abandons you eventually. So I have to get by on my own. There's strength in realising that. And that's why you're my friend.
Did you all know Incognito never really gave me a particularly tough time about my friendship with Kelevra? I mean he gave the perfunctory lectures about Kelevra, but he never ever refused to train me, or prevented me from talking to him. And now I wonder if he knew that on some level, Kelevra would boot me into reality. On why you should never trust. Again, who knows. Maybe he was just happy for me to keep Kelevra talking and busy.
Thank you, Kelevra.
And fuck you.
Into current events now. This all made me realise something else. When I borrowed that money, I don't think I ever had the intention of paying it back. I don't remember how much I even needed it in the first place. Maybe I just wanted to screw someone over. Maybe I was looking for a fight. Some catharsis that would be justified because they technically attacked first.
Anyway, after my little encounter with the three fucksticks, I decided to start on some recon. I knew Goodwill's entourage had found where I was, and I knew they'd be back to search it. If I were trying to find me, that's what I'd do. So I've been keeping watch on it for a while. I'll tell you how that went later on, since it got pretty weird, and even I'm sick my own whining for now.
Doing more training. No bad can come of being stronger. Open season on Goodwill. Open season on everyone. Enjoy.
Glad that you seem to be handling this realization in a productive manner. Train; grow stronger. I will point out that trust is not impossible, but one must prove oneself well to you before you give it to them. Good luck, dear
ReplyDeleteBut how do they prove themselves? How do you know they won’t screw you over?
DeleteBy staying with you in the hard times. By fighting alongside you. Over time, if they do this; if they remain true, then you can trust them.
DeleteI guess I’ll look out for that then. Thanks.
DeleteYEAH FUCK KELEVRA! Words to LIVE by.
ReplyDeleteYou know. Maybe your head is healing a little bit better than I thought. Finally calling Kelly's bullshit for what it is...
Little advice on trust. Its foundation is built on ensuring that when the other shoe drops, you are prepared. It is how we get by in our dysfunctional little family. But the same rule applies even outside of it. Betrayal is part of human nature. Be prepared for it, but enjoy the parts in the meantime.
Fuck you as well. If there were any fucking justice... well fuck, I don’t even know. Fuck you.
DeleteHe didn’t exactly bullshit me. He was pretty direct from the start. But maybe banking my childish naïveté, curiosity and blind attachment to virtually any civil interaction. I’ll give you that.
Well that is just rude. I wonder... Do you want to torture me, like I tortured you? Would that make you happy?
DeleteFun fact. Bullshitting doesn't have to be completely dishonest. He ABSOLUTELY knew what he was doing from day one. And while I doubt he planned this specific scenario from day one... I guarantee the results would be the same, regardless of my own little intervention. Hell. It might have been worse without me. Kelly's made it pretty clear he prefers straight to straight up kill his toys when he is done playing with them. I prefer this way. Let them sit for a while. Admire the handiwork at worst... At best? At best I've created something new. So who knows... Without our little time together, he might have killed you. Take it from someone who knows... Both what you went through, and death. Death sucks.
No, I don’t want to put you in the dark. I personally would like to send you screaming back into that suffering void your slenderdaddy had the pity to wrench you out of. That would be more joyous than anything.
DeleteYou know, I hate to say it, but maybe you’re slightly right there. Maybe if it wasn’t you trapping me in the dark, it would have been him. I don’t know.
That's fair. But what about Kelly himself? I mean... To be perfectly frank, I was just doing the guy a favor. He set the whole thing up, after all. He is at least AS responsible for what happened to you.
DeleteHow would you do it? Kill me, I mean. If you could, which lets be frank, you can't... But IF you could. If I were as mortal as you. How would you do it?
I guess it would only be fair to send him into the same void. But what does it matter to either of you, justice isn’t really a thing. Vengeance is, though.
DeleteI don’t know. Not to be boring, but I’d really need more intel before I planned anything.
I regret only seeing this now, but, cathartic isn't it Minxie? Finally telling me and everyone in the world to fuck off, you're going to do you and nobody's going to stop you! Fuck yeah! That's the type of confident resolution I've been wanting to hear from you for YEARS! Even Sergei got a few negative things thrown in about him, you know, the man who took the time out of his survival schedule to shelter and train you up, he must have had some sort of ulterior motive as well, right?
ReplyDeleteTruth be told, that's all I ever wanted from you. Not for you to particularly stop trusting everyone, no, for you to finally realize that you have no limits and you can do whatever you want and fuck anybody who says otherwise, whether they are your friend, or enemy. The whole trusting issue you're going through right now, that's just the route you're choosing to come to that conclusion, question is: is it a phase and it will pass? Or is it there to stay? Choice is yours.
As long as you remember that you always have a choice and there is no wrong choice, I am happy and proud to say, that I did what a friend's job is, to remind you of that.
I’m grateful for what he taught me. Just like I’m grateful for what you taught me. But did he ever care? I don’t know. I don’t even know if he was capable of caring.
ReplyDeleteAnd fuck you.