I should have known better. I haven't been out since Kelevra and some others were possibly back.
Kalika wanted some stuff from a warehouse on a five finger discount. Science shit. I don't even remember now. It was a number on a box I had to find. Test tubes? Distillation tubes? Serum tubes? Always with the tubes. What is she, a fucking hamster?
Security guard on his phone, was about to see me no matter what. Should have just darted out and ran. Some... fucking stupid part of my brain decided I should incapacitate him. But it went wrong. Something building up in me, it erupted. New language, new rules. Carefully incapacitate him to fucking hit him. I hit him. I hit him again. Hazy. Weird mist. I only stopped myself when my ears hurt from the screaming. Not his. Mine. Fear? But my hands weren't numb; my knuckles were sore and bleeding. My blood wasn't cold. It was scorching. He was bleeding, staggering. I didn't even realise how hard I hit him.
Rage. I was screaming in rage.
Tried to call emergency services, ended up yelling incoherently at the operator, tearing the phone out the fucking wall and running. I dunno if they showed up.
I feel like I "woke up" just through the door of my safehouse. I didn't remember much of what I had actually done, I just remembered anger and screaming.
I didn't sleep for days. Then, I slept for days. With nightmares like I haven't known for a few years now. But they helped me piece together what happened. Even if I wish I could go on not knowing.
Kalika just goes off and lays out in the woods. She doesn't give a shit. Good for her, really. Why should she? Why should I?
Everybody leaves. Or dies. I hate them for leaving. I hate them for dying. I hate them for not staying. But then, why the hell should they stay? It's not like I have anything to offer anyone but pain and anger now. And it's not like I stay. I wish I was just nowhere. Not dead, not alive. Just nowhere.
And then I hate them for coming back.
I don't think I like this existential crisis attitude you got going on here. Whilst I do enjoy seeing you get pissed off and beat the ever lasting crap out of an Innocent Security Guard, I don't like this "Nowhere" bullshit.
ReplyDeleteSimply because you don't seem to understand that you already are "Nowhere". You're not heading towards some sort of goal or destination, you're just surviving in hopes of drawing the next breath, yet that's not living and why do you survive? Because you don't want to die. So you're stuck between Living and Dying, I'd say you're already "Nowhere" and the fact that you can't see that, is saddening, don't like it? Change it!
As to the "Coming Back comment" I can't speak on behalf of everyone who "Came Back" but I can speak for myself. I think the reason you struggle with my return and are now struggling with this friendship, is because... he is not around anymore. Unlike me, he... didn't come back.
Whereas before you could say that you could be friends with me, because you knew he... would stop me. Now that's not the case, because he is dead and I'm still alive. Hence why you're confused as to whether you should hate me, or still be my friend. Am I correct in assuming that's your internal struggle with our friendship?
You know, you’re right, I am fucking nowhere and I don’t know what to do.
DeleteYeah, he didn’t come back. And he didn’t really stop you either, did he now? So who does stop you from fucking everything up? Me? Because I can’t even stop myself from fucking everything up. Sometimes I’m halfway between killing you and burning this motherfucker of a world down before you can, understand?
I thought we came to a clear conclusion that you were a protector, now that I think about it, no wonder you're so lost, you have no one, or nothing of value to protect, hell, maybe my conclusion was wrong about you.
DeleteIn which case, want me to ask Dr. Morningstar for another therapy session?
Don’t bring up that name. You have NO idea.
DeleteYeah NO idea, it's not like I saw everything that he was doing to you, waiting for the moment that he would reach the limit.
DeleteYeah no, No idea, nope.
Are you trying to goad me into hurting someone?
DeleteWhy would I? You do whatever you want without any hesitation or fear, that's the only thing I always wanted you to do.
DeleteBesides, you've already hurt an innocent man.
I guess what I want is to see my old friend again.
DeleteWell, all you had to do, was ask. Sadly at this moment, I can't travel as freely as I could before, but I promise, that once I am able to, I'll drop by and we can shoot the shit for as long as you want.
DeleteIn the mean time, do and try to figure out what your next move is, k?
Thanks. I will.
DeleteIt seems we're all forced into an existence we don't want.
ReplyDeleteSo you accidentally beat the crap out of some poor innocent guy? Eh, happens to the best of us sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI remember making the same mistake once but on a slightly larger scale. Comes with the territory I guess.
Hey, long time no see.
DeleteInteresting timing for me Huh? I show up and suddenly everyone we thought was dead is back. It's like day of the dead up in here.
Delete