Goodwill

This is awkward.

I think it's time I cleared the air on something. Something that I really should have told Kalika, and all of you, but I haven't heard from her in months, so I guess we've severed ties now.

That whole thing, with our shit being stolen. That wasn't just theft. It was repossession. And I knew pretty much as soon as I got my thoughts together. I'm still not sure how the culprit pulled it off, mind you. But I'm pretty sure it was him.

Here's the thing. I'm in, like a lot of debt. Is it the "kick down your door and fucking kill you" kind of debt, or the "repossess your house and have you slowly die in the cold" kind of debt? I wish I knew.

The only reason I'm telling you all now is because I'm in over my head on it either way. Maybe three years ago I met a fellow runner, called himself Goodwill. Well-connected. He seemed like a nice person. Frankly, too nice for someone in this shitpit of an existence. Literally had this smile all the damn time that didn't break. He made loans to other runners to get them on their feet. And I... may have decided I was going to take the money and go off the radar. He wasn't exactly poor to put it mildly, especially for a runner. So while I understand that what I did was wrong... fuck it, whatever, doesn't matter. While (actually, because) he was bizarrely congenial, I never took him for the loan shark type.

When I started a blog he tracked me back down pretty quickly (yeah, call me stupid, I fucking thrive on it.) So I pretended I was planning to pay him the money all along and just got caught up in life. That's where I was sneaking off to, to pay what I could.

And then I met Kalika. And I guess I wanted a friend. I know she's not my friend, and never was. But fuck, I haven't had company in so fucking long. She wanted to do her research, and suddenly I was funding the equipment and doing errands for her. Not only did I have company, but I had a purpose and something to focus on other than the constant fuckery of being on the run from a force you'll never understand. This is all pathetic as molten shit, I know, but I didn't want to be alone again. So I dug myself into this one pretty fucking aptly.

Anyway, Goodwill probably sussed it all pretty quickly. That radio song was requested by one of Goodwill's. Probably to let me know they were watching me, and knew about me.

I'm in and out of safehouses and hotels right now. The more I change location, the better.

Theft

Our shit went missing. Well, that's not the right phrase. Our shit was taken. Kalika is pissed off and blaming me. Hell, I think I blame me too, but I don't actually remember anything between our shit being there, and our shit being taken.

When Kalika goes out I stay up to guard the place. Usually we sleep in shifts, so when one of us isn't here, the other stays up. And as a system it works. It's never gone wrong. Well, not until I fucked up again.

I remember sitting on the floor near my Colt, whistling to keep awake. Must have been about midnight. The traffic outside was sparse and the room was as light as I could get it. Then there's a big time gap. A couple of hours, apparently. And I don't know what happened in that gap. I don't remember seeing the monster or anything, so I don't know if it was that or not. All I know is I sort of woke up in a serious sweat to Kalika shaking me, with a pounding fucking headache and feeling weak and sick. It was weird and cloudy, I remember the feeling and images but at the time I hadn't processed them at all. Eventually I came around and sat up. "What's . . .?"

"Are you a fucking koala?! How long were you asleep?"

". . .What . . .?"

She scrolled and tapped on her phone furiously, pacing. "I leave for one night. One night. One fucking night. You have one task and that is to defend this shithole. I return and everything worth something is fucking missing. My equipment. My notes. Your weapons. Our laptops. Everything valuable. And then there is you, not worth the shit off the bottom of my shoes, of course you're still here. How fortunate I am, sharing this place with a piece of shit. I set up here because I thought you had a shred of diligence. FUCK you!"

I don't remember everything she said word for word to be honest, but that's the gist of it. I feel like it went on a very long time. Then she slammed the door on the way out. I don't know where she's gone. Or if she'll even be back. She's been gone for maybe seven hours now.

They didn't take my phone or combat knife, probably because those were on my person. That's about the only respite I get here from the mindfucking piss show that is this life.

So that's the news. I'm a piece of shit and I have no idea what happened. I guess I better start thinking. When this god damn headache goes. And now I think about it I should probably leave, because logically someone knows I live here. Uh, still processing shit. If there's any common sense thing I've missed, drop it on me.

Botched

I should have known better. I haven't been out since Kelevra and some others were possibly back.

Kalika wanted some stuff from a warehouse on a five finger discount. Science shit. I don't even remember now. It was a number on a box I had to find. Test tubes? Distillation tubes? Serum tubes? Always with the tubes. What is she, a fucking hamster?

Security guard on his phone, was about to see me no matter what. Should have just darted out and ran. Some... fucking stupid part of my brain decided I should incapacitate him. But it went wrong. Something building up in me, it erupted. New language, new rules. Carefully incapacitate him to fucking hit him. I hit him. I hit him again. Hazy. Weird mist. I only stopped myself when my ears hurt from the screaming. Not his. Mine. Fear? But my hands weren't numb; my knuckles were sore and bleeding. My blood wasn't cold. It was scorching. He was bleeding, staggering. I didn't even realise how hard I hit him.

Rage. I was screaming in rage. 

Tried to call emergency services, ended up yelling incoherently at the operator, tearing the phone out the fucking wall and running. I dunno if they showed up.

I feel like I "woke up" just through the door of my safehouse. I didn't remember much of what I had actually done, I just remembered anger and screaming.

I didn't sleep for days. Then, I slept for days. With nightmares like I haven't known for a few years now. But they helped me piece together what happened. Even if I wish I could go on not knowing.

Kalika just goes off and lays out in the woods. She doesn't give a shit. Good for her, really. Why should she? Why should I?

Everybody leaves. Or dies. I hate them for leaving. I hate them for dying. I hate them for not staying. But then, why the hell should they stay? It's not like I have anything to offer anyone but pain and anger now. And it's not like I stay. I wish I was just nowhere. Not dead, not alive. Just nowhere.

And then I hate them for coming back.

Is he really back?

How would I know for sure?

What would I do about it?

I have a lot to think about.

Always have a plan, that’s what I was told.

Strange Behaviour

Kalika here. I have seen multiple instances of strange behaviour while running, in every party imaginable. Some speculate it is a result of the rakshasa's influence, and some speculate it is from the psychological strain that is present with feeling under constant threat. Perhaps these things are one in the same.

So, Min's brand of strange behaviour caused a slight ruckus. It was around 3 in the morning. She puts on the radio sometimes while cleaning out weapons. There is not much to be said for nighttime radio, even by radio standards, but it does fill the silence, so I don't mind. Even though she never puts BBC4 on.

"...clear skies. Unusual, we've just had a music request from an Aidan. You're up late. Enjoy this eighties classic..."

At the name, Min looked up, and checked her phone. Aidan, I had heard that name before, possibly when she was on the phone. (I'm not eavesdropping. I simply have excellent hearing and a tendency to sit near the door when she takes phone calls.) The opening chords of a song began. Her eyes widened.

"...Bad Medicine by Bon Jovi."

That's when she just crashed, sobbing hysterically. She fought for a deep breath. I stood to see what was happening. A surge of vomit smothered a would-be scream from her. She crawled through the putrid grit and snatched up the radio, trying to change the channel but accidentally breaking the dial off. So she pounded it against the wall. As the radio grew damaged, the song morphed into a horrifically distorted version until it finally stopped. Her muscles gave, she lay there for a few minutes. I went to see to her, but she pushed my hand way, pulled herself up and wiped the vomit off her mouth with her sleeve, breathing deeply still. Staggering, she grabbed her coat and her Colt.

"I'll be back. Don't follow me," she muttered, and slammed the door behind her.

I would have followed, but I felt it best to recount this first otherwise I fear the details of what was said on the radio would slip my mind. If I can gather more information, this will make an interesting addition to my notes on psychological effects of running.

Failed

I failed the mission. Fighting on CCTV is not my jam. I don't know why Kalika insisted. We don't need footage tying us to anything or any place. Or should I say, me. If a servant or whatever other abominations is prey on this chaos gets hold of this, it's my damn image. Which one of us the paranoid one? Can't really say.

I'll stop with the bullshit excuses.

Alright, what happened. Well, an area where security cameras that Kalika can hack and my target meet is an alleyway by a frequented bar. I chalked a Timberwolf logo near the entrance. I'll be honest, it was almost a little bit too easy to get the target into place. Everything else was an entirely fucking different matter, hence why I've been recovering for a month. Shooting would attract make too loud a sound. It was remote, sure, but you don't risk it. A combat knife was my next choice. Straight for the throat. Still, I braced myself in case it went wrong. You can't afford to underestimate anyone. Not when they're built like the proverbial brick shithouse they just walked out of.

Even I wasn't ready for how damn strong he was despite that. I was parried and bashed into a wall by my neck. Everything blurred and span. Jesus, my head burned. A blue-white glow approached. Initially it seemed like some kind of phone. I grabbed for it; he wasn't calling for help or I was screwed. He clung to it. While I was struggling for it, the details of the world crept back in. It wasn't a phone. When my ears stopped rushing, I could hear it too. A Taser. And like I said, he had way more muscle than me. There was no way I was going to just prise it from him. Plus, pulling an active Taser towards me could pretty easily go wrong and by wrong I mean impending fucking death. 

So, the key was to look for the weakness. He was more focused on the Taser and steering it than anything else. So I slammed the knife into his opposite shoulder and twisted it. He made a sound somewhere between pain and laughter. Which was kind of disturbing, but nothing new. Him dropping the Taser, that was the goal. I kicked it away from us but left myself open to several punches. When I started tasting blood, I went for him again, the neck, with the knife, trying to dodge and approach from the side. But in an alleyway there aren't many directions you can attack from. Everything started spinning again when my head was knocked against a wall again. Countless bruises, a few sprains and one broken rib later, I realised I was no longer in control of the fight. So I started sprinting away, swiping up the Taser on the way.

Yeah, I ran away. Those who hate me, say your piece about me being a coward, give me your worst. The slight plus side is that Kalika trusts me for trying, but that's the participation medal of the situation. I'm not sure I trust her for sending me after someone under circumstances that really weren't in my favour just to prove I'm not a traitor. The new Taser is sort of a bonus. As per training I'm discouraged to use any unknown weapon unless I'm out of options. Plus after the fight it got pretty battered and a faulty Taser has the potential to backfire just as badly as any gun. Maybe Kalika will fix it up for me. She owes me that much.

Mutated Maenads and Uncertain Loyalties

Kalika here.

The mutation of what I estimate is 30% of Maenads into grotesque humanoids is a relatively unexplored subject. I plan to spend some time studying this but I wanted to discuss something of interest: the eyes of Maenad that Min brought have tapeta lucida.

The tapetum lucidum is a reflective layer found in the eyes of many animals that operate in low-light conditions, such as cats, aye ayes and wolves. If you have ever seen a photograph of a cat or dog that was taken with flash, you will notice its eyes appear to be glowing. This the tapetum reflecting the light back. Light is reflected back through the retina, increasing visibility in dark conditions. The "pay-off" is usually a lower clarity of vision. In some creatures, mutated Maenads included, this can be negated by strategic distribution of rods and cones.

When I associated with my previous group, one member claimed he had fought mutated Maenads by shining a bright torch in their eyes. We never discussed it in great detail, but on the basis that mutated Maenad eyes might not adjust as quickly to light levels as humans, it is now worth consideration.

Min is due back soon from getting the Timberwolf. I sent her after a very specific one and got into the CCTV there. I needed to witness it for myself. Why? Well, to be honest, while it is partially true that I needed all these samples, I sent Min to do this primarily to test if she was a servant or not. I had good reason to suspect as such that I will detail in a moment.

Min, I have some questions about your loyalties, and if you try to silence me by deleting this then I will know you have something to hide.

-Why did you delete that file? I checked and the folder it was in was last edited just after you got a hold of it and I hadn't seen it. So I know you deleted it, now what's on it, and why did you deny it?

-Who are you hiding from when you walk down the street with the green neon sign?

-Why, like clockwork, are you going out every 4pm on a Friday?

Now, I am headed out on a field trip, so you have time to think about your answers, and I find out if it is bullshit.